The Coxeman’s First Day of Married Life
Rod Damon has been good enough to send me a diary entry from his first day as a married man!
Rest easy all those men who look up to the ultimate bachelor he is not really married, just part of his cover for a mission as mentioned here
Now read on as The Coxeman treads on very unfamiliar ground
Sitting here writing this on the evening of my first day as a supposedly married man if feel entirely justified in my presumption of the hell that is married life!
Why do people do it ? One day with a fake wife is already enough for me.
I fairness though, the wife I have for the next week may not be a particularly good model, I would certainly exchange her had I bought her as a mail order bride.
Things got off to a poor start, I had to pick her up so collected her in my ‘new car’. A bloody Ford Mondeo! surely they do not expect me to travel about in that ?
Naturally I protested and offered to save the department money and use my own car but apparently the Bentley would look out of place.
So, I set off, in a fashion, banging and rattling in my family saloon to pick up Geraldine and head off to suburbia. It turns out Geraldine was from good stock, educated at Roedean School for Girls and from a well connected family (presumably how a girl got into our department).
On first sight she was frumpily dressed and her facial features were slightly equestrian but she had a fine rack !
I must put these thoughts from my mind given the strict hands-off policy.
An uneventful journey, after she, incredibly, suggested that she drive, saw us in our semi-detached den of misery.
I noticed immediately that the place was not as clean as La Casa Coxeman, unsure as to whether there would be a housekeeper coming in I politely enquired as to whether she would like to put spring cleaning at the top of her list - I could not quite make out all of her reply but I doubt she learnt that language at Roedean.
The next problem saw me sat over half an hour without my whisky and soda. At home, my valet brings me a stiffish W&S as soon as I sit down early evening. I wondered whether Geraldine was entirely conversant in what I would expect her wifely duties to be.
She did offer to cook though, I suggested eating out or having food delivered but she insisted, for cover credibility, we should cook. She would cook tonight and I could cook tomorrow night.
Poor misguided woman - the last time I set foot in a kitchen was to roger the girl who was catering one of my dinner parties!
The food, if that’s what you could call it, was barely edible. Having travelled to the remotest corners of the world I have eaten some appalling stuff but never crap like that.
They’re called Fish Fingers and lots of people eat them apparently.
Fish don’t have fingers and I doubt their popularity personally.
So I recommend avoiding them like the plague - should anyone ever try and foist them upon you.
Oysters yes - fish fingers no!
This marked the end of an incredibly dull and uninteresting day and left me wondering
Is her rack real?
Is she a lesbian or a feminist? - her attitude suggests both
Do people really live like this?
If so, do they really do it for years?
Why does any real man ever get married?
Ursula said,
September 2, 2006 @ 11:23 pm
I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to since our hot date in steamy St Trop. Not a fish finger in sight as I recall.
I doubt very much that Geraldine is interested in married life either and will never reach the heady heights of domestic goddess. With that in mind I have set about looking for your type of woman here in the glorious Riviera ….. so far no luck, they all love fish fingers. Mind you, there are an abundance of candidates for the shy and retiring Mr Collins who will shortly be inundated with proposals. Yes the mono bikini clad tribe out here are all agog at the very thought of our wealthy, Brad Pitt look alike, yacht owning bachelor …. I may have embellished a bit!
Is Geraldine the possessive type? It’s just that my gyros are out of sync and I need a handy man.
p.s. easy on the Stallion, it excites the crew. Urs
The Coxeman said,
September 3, 2006 @ 7:45 am
Ahhhhh the Riviera ….. what memories
Better than the purgartory of marrried life that’s for sure!
There were no kippers and poached eggs this morning!
I asked the female why this was and got the reply
There are some cornflakes in the cupboard
Quite what they are I’ve no idea
There’s no point sending that nancy boy Rod Collins to St Tropez, he’s a waste of time!
But you’ve whetted my appetite Urs, so I may take some much needed horizontal R&R there when my sentence with Geraldine comes to an end - here’s to an early parole
Keep it Up
The Coxeman
Geraldine said,
September 3, 2006 @ 6:45 pm
My name is Geraldine - yes the one whose name is being slurred here.
I thought I would check my email as I am away from home and a friend sent me this link.
I think Rod Damon is the most annoying, male chauvenist pig I have ever met.
He presumes every woman wants to jump into bed with him and I can assure both him and your readers that it will be a cold day in hell before I do !
Yes it is !
I am far keener than him to see an end to our forced cohabitation and, for the record, I think I am a nice girl.
You would not believe what I am having to put up with living with Gods Gift to Women
PS
That bloody Stallion aftershave reeks !
Ursula said,
September 4, 2006 @ 6:34 pm
Cher Geraldine
I take it you wear the trousers in this relationship, I certainly hope so. Steer yourself more towards the calmer ‘book’ buying types whose sophisticated conversation might be an altogether better bet. Yes, all men tend to get in the way generally but some are tolerable and have their uses, limited we know. Leave the ‘Gods Gift to Women’ type to me ….. speaking of which here comes my latest pass time … pity about the false hairy chest and Elvis outfit, kitsch I suppose you’d call him! Regards, Urs
The Coxeman said,
September 4, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
Ursula
do not encourage this woman, she is headstrong enough.
I could tame her of course but to what end ? - the top brass have enforced a hands off policy, so why bother.
I mentioned she may be a lesbian and from her comments about my aftershave I feel she has proven this to be true.
PS: I also cure lesbians as well as bra-burners
Keep it Up!
The Coxeman
Rod said,
September 4, 2006 @ 7:03 pm
Man and woman on the first night of their honeymoon
Man takes his tousers off and says to his new wife “put these on”
She puts them on
The man says “that’s the last time you wear trousers in this marriage”
Woman takes off her knickers and says “here put these on”
He puts them on (you’re ahead of me here I hope)
The woman says “that’s the last time you get into them in this marriage”
The old ones are supposed to be the best, in retrospect I remain unconvinced
witches of eastwick said,
September 5, 2006 @ 8:30 pm
Geraldine, you poor child, two things ….
don’t touch the choccies, frankly they’re not up to scratch and probably drugged.
Cast iron pj’s, essential.
Womankind is watching, don’t let us down and give in to this Coxeman bloke or he’ll never learn how to poach his Cottswald Legbars.
WoE
roger said,
September 8, 2006 @ 10:55 am
BOTH disappoint. Do we setect a bit of a self-centered atmosphere in both? Rod, NEXT time be different. Assume nothing. Let her prove who she is. You need not give up anything. You could indeed gain in the process. Geraldine. Same for you. Suggestion: next time try from the outset, being a friend. You just may gain one. Again you loose nothing.