How to Bring Up Children by The Coxeman
Site Owner note: This is a guest post from Rod Damon aka The Coxeman. The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of your host.
How to Raise Children
The Ultimate Guide by The Coxeman
I got a letter from a concerned parent who wrote into my Agony Uncle Column and I thought it merited proper attention.
Some readers may say I am ill-placed to offer such advice, particularly as I have not raised children of my own, I suspect there must be a multitude of them scattered around the world but none have been brought to my attention - thank god !
I’ll simply apply logic and experience of my own childhood, add this to the fact I’m never wrong and you get an invaluable guide on raising your children properly.
Anyway a bullet point guide to to obvious facts and where you are going wrong
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If you do insist on having them then you must take steps to train them from day one. Training children is not dissimilar to training a dog. Ideally you’d be in a financial position to send them off to boarding schools from the age of 5 but if not you’ll have to do most of the training yourself.
You must also understand that you have a duty to those around to train your children properly - remember, you’re not the only one forced to endure the antics of your ill-disciplined offspring !
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This is, in my experience, the biggest failing of the modern parent. What the unruly child needs is a ..
damn good thrashing
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It never did me any harm, indeed, I am what today thanks to corporal punishment.
Talking to ill-disciplined children is a waste of time !
Whilst over the last decade it has been regarded as a good idea to involve your children in all this psycho-babble bulls*** proper punishment seems to have been more effective for the last few thousand years or so.
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This is another train wreck; woolly-headed, left-wing liberals have all but ruined the educational system. Whilst the youth of today may be adept at sending telegrams on portable telephones they remain unable to read or do basic arithmetic. School discipline, if that’s not an oxymoron, is also laughable. I blame this on
Weak parents - weak teachers - weak government
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Things are going from bad to worse now, we are breeding a future generation of obese, unfit, picky week-kneed washouts !
I feel unable to continue with this subject as I seem to have paralyzed myself with pent up rage …
Watching your snivelling sprog, whose probably already got a “nut Allergy”, expand whilst eating pizza in front of the TV does not constitute exercise.
Nor does using a wiiplaybox or whatever they are.
How did children ever get to school without being chauffeured as they are today?
Not that it is actually worth taking them to these moron training centres schools but if you have to; do you need a Shogun, which incidentally if you’re a woman you cannot even park, to transport your precious little bundle in ?
I’d bring back a proper school nurse who gives fitness checks to kids - if they’re unfit warn the parents, no improvement on next check then fine them.
No improvement on third check remove children and put them up for adoption, castrate and sterilize parents to ensure they have no more
- If you’re reading this as a concerned parent with older children then don’t bother - you’re too late !
If you have children under 5 then there may be hope, but only if you act now, don’t come whining to me on my problem page when you are still stuck with these deadbeats for years to come because they cannot stand on their own two feet.
I see the teenagers of today and think thank god we didn’t have to rely on you in 1939 !
We’d all be goose-stepping today 
If you’re bring up children in the “modern” way then …
Don’t Keep it Up !
The Coxeman
Jordan said,
July 11, 2007 @ 10:46 am
Here, here.
Sound advise, bring it on!!!
Jordan
A Retired Bookdealer said,
July 11, 2007 @ 11:56 am
What a subject this is, bringing up Children, a subject on which millions of pages have been published and put into circulation by those who think they know best.
What I can say as a parent is. None of us ever get everything right, the sad thing is you only get one chance, you can not turn the clock back. So from one parent to another make the most of it, do your best and Good Luck.
Femme Fatale said,
July 11, 2007 @ 10:22 pm
ARB,
From one parent to another,
You can tell who has the problem of bringing up children and those who think they can do a better job of it!
It is obvious that TC has no experience in this matter, yes it is a hard job, but it is also enjoyable and very rewarding. We are not only parents, we are doctors, nurses, chefs, cleaners, teachers, taxi drivers and friends.
What other profession requires such multiskilled, talented people?
FF
xx
Witches of Eastwick said,
July 11, 2007 @ 10:45 pm
FF,
Multi-skilled and talented, yes we like the sound of that. We sense that old Coxey is singularly skilled, well in his mind anyway. Strange how we never hear from any of his ‘associate’ espionagettes!
WoE
Rod said,
July 12, 2007 @ 3:44 pm
I think FF makes some fine points in her comment but …
In keeping with my modus vivendi, i.e. heaping scorn, derision and facetious comment on most things I see, from a distance it seems relatively easy to bring kids up !
As with most jobs there are 2 ways:
The easy way and the hard way
Many today seem to opt for the hard way in the misguided belief it is the easy way.
Of course, my opinion is based on pure undiluted logic and not clouded by actual experience - something the ‘wannabe’ classical scholar and free-thinker should always strive for
Must dash as it’s time for a feed:
2 fresh chicken breasts, cous cous and salad for me.
Presumably almost time for pizza, chips and chocolate for all the kids out there
Witches of Eastwick said,
July 12, 2007 @ 7:35 pm
Rod,
Did we ever mention that one of bestest friends is a classical scholar, has a degree in Latin and a list of other achievements as long as your arm? She is due to visit the Coven later this month for some highbrow chat and indulgent cake (tis debatable which of the two she expects and might be disappointed to receive only the one …. with icing!) During our long friendship we have discussed many things but as yet she is unaware of the Collins blog and the Tuesday Gatherings … it’s just that, what with three Witches and a Piranha, we naturally assumed that was all the average male could take
Anyway, some of Mr Damon’s observations might well be correct, but your view that bringing up children could be easy, we have filed in the recycling bin in the hope it might evolve into something closer to the truth. Stick to womens jeans dear boy, and we’re sure you will in this muggy weather!
WoE
Rod said,
July 12, 2007 @ 9:27 pm
WoE
I fear reading this blog would be more than your friend’s intellect could stand, it would be far too distressing for someone properly educated.
I am only able to write this stuff because I am a congenital moron, a veritable blessing in today’s world
Let me know when this great meeting is on as I shall endeavour to break the habit of a lifetime and be out of Lincolnshire !
A witch, a Pirahna and a female classical scholar would be more than what’s left of my manliness could take.
I feel myself positively shrivelling just at the very thought never mind being anywhere in the actual proximity of said summit
I’ll stick with my ideas of diet and upbringing, being able to run faster and for longer than any of the kids in the street, never mind the adults, suggests I am, perhaps, onto something
Best
Rod
Witches of Eastwick said,
July 13, 2007 @ 1:19 pm
Rod,
Worry not, our learned friend has a hot date with Orlando Bloom in the West End so will miss out of the highlight of the week!
As to your ability to out run the local kids ….. is this a regular challenge? We are trying to build up a picture of day to day life in Wybers Wood and are beginning to sense a street party atmosphere without the tea and buns. Best not introduce you to the Coven’s sprint champion then, a woman of course and similarly proportioned to your good self only blonde and something of a bombshell ….
WoE
Rod said,
July 13, 2007 @ 1:41 pm
WoE,
We are trying to build up a picture of day to day life in Wybers Wood
Using what I do to build up such a picture would give you an impossibly skewed vision of life dans le Wybers
RC
The Coxeman said,
July 13, 2007 @ 4:20 pm
Parents all over the world will now benefit from my sagacious advice.
A Google search for
How to bring up children
brings up an amazing 99 million matches, this is at #15
I must be right if I’m above all those other specialist sites
Keep it Up !
The Coxeman
Little Witchlet said,
July 15, 2007 @ 12:01 am
TC - don’t tell anyone, it’s a well-kept secret, but children are in fact ….people. People who are are generally having more fun that the rest of us. Could it be that some of us are a little jealous of the little people………
That’ll be me then!!
But guess we’ve all had our stint and there’s no going back…… not sure I always want to be grown-up … WoE, do I have to be???
Ps. Just been to see Harry Potter - there’s a child I definitely don’t want to be!
x
Witches of Eastwick said,
July 15, 2007 @ 1:26 pm
Lil’ Witchlet
There’s no fear you’ll ever be a fully fledged grown-up, what ever nasturtiums may be cast in your direction, this one is unlikely to take root and grow! As a matter of fact the so called grown up section of the Coven refused to sit with the rest of us at the cinema last night ….. a risky move at the best of times since we relish a target for peanut shooting
But above all Witchlet, the best is yet to come as we venture forth with our unique take on the fashion scene ….. we are ‘work in progress’ thus far but rest assured plans have been made and the juveniles will just have to put up with it!
A timely reminder that should you meet our host, who is always quiet and refined, the subtleties of the whoopi cushion may be too much for him as any sudden movement may result in permanent falsetto (see size 10 jeans saga). As for the Coxeman ….. well, he is reputed to be something of a ladies man, so watch out for his charm and cheap chocolates. Once we escorted him into Godivers for some overdue tuition, which he interpreted as a green light to seduce the shop assistant while we were left with the champagne truffles ….. a joyous reunion for all concerned!
WoE
Little Witchlet said,
July 15, 2007 @ 8:29 pm
WoE
Such a relief - not to be fully fledged, that is!
Bet RC was a cute kid and The Coxeman a loveable rogue.
Off to play.
Little Witchlet
x
Rod said,
July 16, 2007 @ 8:53 am
LW
I suspect I was a horrible insipid little thing !
I have only ever seen one baby of note and that was my goddaughter - not that I’m biased of course
The Coxeman was too busy getting thrashed, and god knows what else, at public school to get up to much in the rogue department.
He does seem to have made up for it though
Take Care
RC