Have I Broken My Toe ? Nurse the Screens !
Every story has a beginning a middle and an end. Some stories start off sounding very promising.
When you get a call out of the blue from a hot-chick saying
“if you want to get some wood come round quick”
It sounds like a good beginning
The Beginning
Things are seldom as good as they sound, this holds true in advertising and my life ! The chick, whilst hot, spoke of MDF or to be more precise an unwanted wardrobe. In an effort to preserve my stock of books, which are all housed in banana boxes, I wanted more support (comes with my age I suspect)
Without wishing to digress into DIY acquiring that material in a traditionally commercial manner turned out to be a little unpalatable.
Therefore I needed a Plan B if I was to preserve both my stock and my modest hoard of shekels.
Plan B was simple - get the wood without paying for it and thus far it as been a success - albeit gradual.
It was whilst handling the side of a floor to ceiling wardrobe that disaster struck. Relinquishing itself from my grasp it fell in a guillotine type fashion right onto the Goldeneye big toe - that smarts I thought …
The Middle
That was yesterday and I am now hobbling about so I need to consult with somebody who has nursing experience.
Enter the sexy nurse:
-
“You’ll need to keep it up”
“Does it throb when I touch it”
Enough already I have to get better so I can return to my day job of writing the script for the new Carry On film 
Just a Minute Just a Minute I hear you cry
Physician heal thyself !
Well indeed, being the once self-styled Dr Rod you’d think I could offer expert medical opinion. The problem is, I thought the medial training would be long-winded, tedious and cut into my free time so I didn’t bother settling instead for a mail order diploma from the University of Razakaqatan.
So the internet beckoned and I soon located the best doctor in Grimsby by searching for free online diagnosis 
This proved slightly less than useful - bloody internet - you can only find rubbish !
Eventually though I decided I knew it wasn’t broken - I feel that thanks to my ignorance I can say that with full confidence.
The remedy it seems for a badly bruised toe (note use of badly - sympathy vote) is pretty much as my nurse said:
Keep it elevated for as long as possible
I can get some pills for that I think, lots of people keep sending me emails about them Curiously i think they are the same people who told me how to get my medical diploma for only $10
The End
Well here I lie with my trusty netbook foot elevated and typing this drivel.
How long will it last ? well I don’t know but things feel as though they are improving.
Don’t worry about sending me a get well soon card though do feel free to comment and leave a message of support 
Wishing You Good Health
Rod
the dinosaur said,
October 21, 2008 @ 9:16 pm
Rod, I know you envy the footballist lifestyle, Aston Martins, grand mansions, being a celebrity, million pound salary, not to mention the WAGs but I’m sorry to have to tell you that breaking your metatarsal or toe like David Beckham and others of that profession wont suffice to achieve that. Could it be that you sat down to write the bestselling novel you’ve been contemplating, got writer’s block and thought “I know a short cut to fame and fortune, I will drop a wardrobe on my foot!” I’m right aren’t I?
Witches of Eastwick said,
October 21, 2008 @ 9:38 pm
Rod,
You’re never going to believe this but the Witches were up at the local apothecary this very morning supporting one of the sisterhood, whereupon metatarsalgia was diagnosed…. yes, a broken toe! It might make sense to wheel you both about in your bath chairs here at the Coven recovery spa (otherwise known as poultice practice on sitting ducks
)
You may be assured that it takes about two to three weeks to heal if it is broken so we were told and in the meantime you must take extra care not to aggravate it (so none of your usual rhetoric
and wear suitably protective shoes/fluffy slippers etc ). Seems like the best things in life might not be free after all…. wardrobes 1 RC 0
Arnica gel/cream might help to ease the bruising. Hope you feel better soon.
WoE
Little Brother said,
October 21, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
Rod,
Could you ask nurse to have a look at my groin? I think I might have strained it
LB
Rod said,
October 22, 2008 @ 8:38 am
Dino
you could well be on to something there, I was going to be a footballist but backed out of it as I didn’t fancy the frontal lobotomy that is a prerequisite of the job
As to the book, one thing did cross my mind yesterday - Rear Window !
All the best
Rod
Rod said,
October 22, 2008 @ 8:41 am
WoE
thanks for the info but 2-3 weeks !!!!!!!!!!
I can’t go off at that, 2 or 3 days is enough
Best
Rod
Rod said,
October 22, 2008 @ 8:45 am
LB
I’m afraid my current situation means that all the nurse’s time will be taken up with my ministrations !
Cheers
Rod
Witches of Eastwick said,
October 22, 2008 @ 10:00 am
Rod,
…. and how is the patient today?
We’re having difficulty picturing you as Brian Potter in Phoenix Nights but the thought of it is keeping out the autumn chill
How careless of us not to have enquired after the condition of the Goldeneye shoe… would the Transglobal boot have saved you? Reminds us of a gift a few years back from one of the Coven inmates… steel toe capped shoes for broomstick learners, how thoughtful and how impossible to pull off in a fashion sense
WoE
p.s. are you coping on the victuals front or should we send our Fortnums van over?
Rod said,
October 22, 2008 @ 10:19 am
WoE
the patient’s condition is stable !
The Transglobe would indeed have made a difference, the brand new unworn steel toe-capped boots I have would have rendered the situation a non-event !
A salutory lesson - health and safety first at all times !
As to the food situation I am being catered for tonight with a meal fit not only for the King of Wybers Wood but also the time of year !
A fine home-made pie and tons of vegetables !
Best
Rod
Femme Fatale said,
October 23, 2008 @ 9:45 am
Rod,
Oh dear, you poor thing
Could we have a photo of the afore mentioned bruised toe, so that we can assess the damage of the not so perfect foot
Take care and hope you are back to your “normal” self very soon
FF
xx
Witches of Eastwick said,
October 23, 2008 @ 9:50 am
Rod,
Do you think we have reached the stage where a close up photo of the injured toe is necessary for concerned readers? At least give us a description of colour and degree of discomfort before we launch into our new broken toe advice column.
The aforementioned Coven toe is still painful but the owner soldiers on regardless, no doubt assisted by the various potions
) will be out in time for Christmas but don’t wander too close to an induction hob until we’ve ironed out the current problems 
slapped oncarefully applied initially. Let us hear of no more incidents of this nature, from now on we suggest everyone wears steel toe capped footwear every day… our new ‘capped’ Apollo slippers (a small step for man, a giant leap for our aluminium prototypeWoE
Rod said,
October 23, 2008 @ 10:10 am
FF & WoE
spooky double posting.
I’ll spare you a picture of my foot in the interest of taste
I am definately on the mend and, much as I hate to admit it, I suspect I may have to recommend Arnica cream !
Rest assured Health and Safety will now be at the forefront here at Goldeneye Inc.
In fact I intend to appoint a health and safety officer later today to ensure this does not happen again.
As to who the successful candidate will be I cannot say for sure but I suspect it will be the same member of staff who does the accounts and cleans the toilet
Best
Rod
Witches of Eastwick said,
October 23, 2008 @ 10:24 am
Rod,
That Health & Safety officer is no good, he allows you to get hit by golf balls, planks of wood, roof tiles and wardrobes. You must allow Mother, FF and the Coven crew to be your virtual H&S advisors…. just report in every day and we tell you if what you’re doing is safe. We’ll begin at once….. put down that cigarette, they are definitely off limits and make sure you wear a proper cycling helmet when cleaning the toilet
WoE
Jordan said,
October 28, 2008 @ 6:05 pm
RC
Sorry to hear of your misfortune
Jordan
Rod said,
October 28, 2008 @ 6:11 pm
Jordan
thank you for the sympathy
That’s five people who’ve wished me well - I must be popular
All the best
Rod