Rod Collins

Today saw Goldeneye going to the seaside!
Due to popular demand I took my camera.
There was more to this than I expected. I bought the camera and have never used it so I had to get it working and downloading pictures to this computer. Thankfully I am computer literate so this only took about 2 hours!

Next problem, where’s the case? After ransacking the house I gave up and improvised.

The high-tec Goldeneye camera bag

The journey to Cleethorpes passed without event, the border crossed, and I soon found myself strolling up Isaac’s Hill and passed this once lovely art deco building

What a waste !

The sun was shinning but there was a mist coming in from the sea, quite what brought about this meteorological situation I cannot say but things around Cleethorpes are not spoiled when shrouded in mist, indeed, greatly enhanced in some cases!

The mist rolling in from the sea - an artistic shot!

The mist in no way put off the beach bunnies for which Cleethorpes is renowned. Bathing beauties were in abundance, as was flesh, which made photography a matter of some discretion, and in most cases good taste. Here we have a
representative example of Baywatch style babes.

The thongs above jeans appear to be a prerequisite

Going down the main slip road one finds oneself with the option of going left or right. The left side appears the less impressive of the two options, unless retro
kitsch is now back in fashion.
The train station is, of course, the hub which brings the visitors flocking in, here is the first sight that greets them

Understandably known as ‘The End of the Line’

At this point I took to the sand, thankfully I came prepared having donned the Henri Lloyd Transglobe boots, given that these were designed for trekking across the Sahara I should be sure of foot.

I knew these would come in handy one day

I soon came across something very reassuring. I was getting more than a little worried that perhaps this area had fallen behind the times and may not appeal to the modern well travelled tourist. Wisely, they have catered for the modern theme park crowd with a series of jaw-dropping breakneck rides

The ride of death - Alton Towers eat your heart out

For those less interested in the world of 21st Century tourism fear not!
The more traditional aspects of a coastal resort have not been forgotten

Cleethorpes Donkeys

All the sea air began to take it’s toll and the old stomach was beginning to protest.
Some sustenance appeared to be the order of the day, but what and where?
I eliminated fish and chips thereby filtering 98% of the establishments out. I was sorely tempted by some ‘fresh’ cockles being peddled from a converted caravan but my nerve failed me last minute, as no doubt my bowels would have done some time after!

I considered dipping my toe into the cosmopolitan world of Cafe Culture, and would have done so had I not, sadly, been sans my copy of La Monde and a
cheroot

Pavement cafe’s alive and bustling along the seafront!

I finally decided to follow the maxim of when in doubt go with what you know, and to that end went off in search of the now legendary Goldeneye Sausage Bun! These have been discussed previously so no introduction is necessary

Please Note: The missing portion equates to one Goldeneye mouthful

Feeling stronger and refreshed I decided, in heroic style, to push on. This took me to what I believe all seaside resorts require, a pier! This is, and has been for some years, a nightclub I believe, I can tell you very little about it, though I did have a fight outside there some years ago! Needless to say your hero emerged victorious and largely unscathed.

Yet another artistic shot - I’m a natural lens man it seems

But a stones throw away, or a short stagger in white stilettos, is Ross Castle. This looks rather nice and I decided I would not take the piss. Sadly further research reveals it is not medieval but a relatively modern fake, so typically in keeping then.

Ross Castle
Like the pier this was also once the the venue for a Goldeneye escapade, I shall go no further except to say I understand it still plays a part in the next phenomenon.

It became very apparent early on what this seasons must have accessory is for the young girls - a pram or buggy! No girl aged between 13 and 25 appeared to be without one. It must be all the sea air.

A stereotypical example

This lead on to a luxury flat development, no don’t laugh! Seafront apartments are desirable the world over. Some of these fetched nearly £300,000 I understand! OK now you can laugh, what a place to live.
This used to be a night club called Dean’s and is famous as the place where I met the former Mrs Goldeneye!
All this talk of nightclubs may lead you to thinking that drinking plays a large part in the social calendar, and you’d be right. I believe it did/does hold the UK record for the greatest concentration of public houses in a square mile.

Talking of records, this pub was once in the Guinness Book of Records for a largest number of pints ever sold in one day! I was actually there that day and did more than my fair share in helping them reach this pinnacle. It looks in need of some redecoration, although the locals seem to have made a start on the pavements, chewing gum and vomit appearing to be the main tools in their
artistic arsenal.

The Dolphin

It was fast approaching the point of timely escape but there was one hitch. I wanted one picture of a real honey to finish the piece off, a real, genuine, 100% hottie! Another lap was required to
fulfil my mission.

Appears only to apply to the canine variety!

I regret to say I failed miserably, this was the best I could manage

So there we go a tourist and visitors guide to Cleethorpes

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