Beware Deer on the Roads of Lincolnshire etc
Beware ! Deer are abroad on the roads of Lincolnshire and other matters.
In all the years I have been driving through the Lincolnshire Wolds I have seen signs warning of deer but up until today never seen one on the road.
It ran straight in front of me causing me to brake (in a controlled manner), strangely for me and my luck there was no collision, so both myself, the Goldeneye chariot and said animal emerged unscathed from our brief but exciting dalliance.
This was on the A18 for avid road watchers out there. And yes, I did have to get my road atlas out just now to see which road it was that I have driven on many 100s of times !
Regular readers will be aware that I need an honorary career so I can actually tell people who ask that I do something.
Various careers have been bandied about in the past with most having a pretty short shelf life.
Well a decision has all but been made and the job is …………
Deputy Captain of an ocean going ship.
Experiences and information garnered today have concentrated what remains of my mind and galvanised me into action.
I do now have the uniform which I ordered some time ago. On reflection I may have gone overboard (groan) with the braid and ribbon medals !
I may tone it down a little as I don’t want to be a laughing stock amongst my shipmates 
What has brought about this sudden rush of blood you may ask, well, the title of a ship’s captain from days of old but still holding today is:
Master Under God
Cooler than Johnny Depp in an igloo !
I can see that plastered under my name imagine me swanning around with that title.
Prepare to cast off !
Rod
the dinosaur said,
April 24, 2007 @ 6:29 pm
after reading all that I presume you will be going to sea on the Golden Hind?
Rod said,
April 24, 2007 @ 6:47 pm
Dino
Nice One !
But to be serious for a moment, my vessel has yet to be announced.
I suspect I may have to take my maiden voyage with an experienced Captain at the helm.
I’m sure I could do it but it’s probably an insurance thing - you know what these pen-pushers are like.
Anyway, I presume for my second voyage, should I decide to pursue this nauical career, I will have a choice of vessels and hopefully promotion from Deputy Captain to full Captain, possibly even Commodore !
Splice the Main Brace
Rod
Witches of Eastwick said,
April 24, 2007 @ 7:14 pm
Dino,
We fear Mr Goldenhind could well end up disillusioned by the realities of modern day shipping. For a start, with all his 24 carat regalia, sword clanking at his side …. a quiet and refined character like Rod is going to be a lamb to the slaughter. If we must, we shall send him off with a little basket of special ship’s biscuits to tide (!) him over. Perhaps you might suggest to him a short trip around the Brayford in a dinghy before the big one as it were, and don’t forget to bring your bagpipes as he has indicated he’ll want to be piped aboard …
WoE
Witches of Eastwick said,
April 24, 2007 @ 7:30 pm
Rod,
It’s M.U.G’s game!
Rod said,
April 24, 2007 @ 7:32 pm
WoE
After 20 years on the GY fish docks I’ll probably be OK
The real question is, would they be ready for me !
No ship’s biscuits for me thanx, they sound fattening
Anchors Aweigh !
Dep Capt R.D. Collins, Esq, O Level GY
The Coxeman said,
April 24, 2007 @ 7:37 pm
You’ll be right at home with all those sailors you nancy-boy !
Don’t forget your nail buffer when you pack !
Keep it Up !
The Coxeman
PS, as you seem to be into nautical sayings, here’s a few more for you
Your turn over the barrel
Rum and bum
Hello Sailor
the dinosaur said,
April 24, 2007 @ 8:27 pm
WoE Don’t forget to put some weevils in with his sea biscuits, I can’t play the bagpipes but I know a man who can, most of all though we need to invite Keira Knightley along to complete the picture
, the Brayford might be a bit choppy the Horncastle canal would be ideal!
Little Brother said,
April 24, 2007 @ 10:33 pm
Rod,
The only sound I have ever found more annoying than the bagpipes was the bell for last orders, the only sight I have ever found more annoying than people paying a busking piper in Lincoln to blow and squeeze the said bag are the morons feeding the feathered rats in St.Marks square.
Bagpipes and pigeons..don’t get me started.
LB
Witches of Eastwick said,
April 24, 2007 @ 10:48 pm
Dino,
Aren’t you a little afraid that Deputy Dawg’s (aka Cadet Collins) sword might drag along the bottom or puncture the dinghy? No doubt they’ll be lots of pomp and ceremony for the launch as he punts his way along the canal, binoculars at the ready, phasers set for ‘melt’ incase of stray icebergs!
WoE
p.s. do you think we should warn him about the sharks?
the dinosaur said,
April 25, 2007 @ 7:50 am
WoE You could be right about the sword being a problem, I will bring along a bicycle repair kit or better still substitute an old tin bath for the dinghy. I know a couple of erstwhile musicians who could sing sea shantys to add to the atmosphere and the sense of occassion, we could tell him about the sharks then he wont worry about the vicious ducks!
Rod said,
April 25, 2007 @ 9:07 am
LB
Bagpipes and pigeons
An extremely unpleasant combination. The only use bagpipes have ever been is when used on It’s a Long Way to the Top by AC/DC
Shiver me timbers
Rod
Witches of Eastwick said,
April 25, 2007 @ 9:16 am
Rod,
We’ve made some enquiries as to availability of nautical transportation and list below your options:
Dino’s old tin bath
Witches old holiday gondola (complete with icecream freezer tub)
The first would very likely be the best choice for circumnavigating the submerged shopping trolleys, but the second would certainly cut a dash along our watery highways. Due to overall length, it is inadvisable to attempt any three point turns however, so do be sure of your passage planning before you gondol ….. all of this must be carried out after dark as the local constabulary have made it their raison d’etre to rid the town of outsider gondoliers.
WoE
p.s. let us know the date so we can prepare the bunting …
Rod said,
April 25, 2007 @ 9:17 am
Dino
I’d have thought your recent brush with the bagpipes would have been enough for you - you can get too much of a good thing you know
Woe
don’t worry about my sword, I won’t be sat down in the dinghy, I shall be stood up standing straight and in full uniform whilst a member of the Horncastle Chamber of Commerce (yet to be decided) rows me through the centre of town.
I envisage a scene similiar to a cross between a royal visit and Nelson’s return after The Battle of the Nile.
Blistering Barnacles
Rod
Rod said,
April 25, 2007 @ 9:24 am
You’ll be pleased to know that the second uniform has just arrived this morning.
This is the ceremonial one I shall wear when meeting dignitaries and for dinner parties on board the ship.
Once again I have been bold but not over the top, naturally, as previously mentioned, I should hate to look ridiculous on my first voyage
Goldeneye’s Ceremonial Uniform
Rod said,
April 25, 2007 @ 9:34 am
WoE
I am sorry to say this but I don’t think you’re taking me seriously.
Whilst I understand that local inhabitants would like to see a soon to be nautical hero, think Jack Aubrey, parading through the town’s water course I am looking for a serious ship on which to assume my rightful position as second in command.
What I may consider is a ticker tape style parade and street party to celebrate my heroic homecoming and promotion to full Captain - should the local residents wish to throw such a shindig of course.
Avast Me Hearties
Rod
Witches of Eastwick said,
April 25, 2007 @ 5:48 pm
Rod,
Your ‘bold’ new nautical look is indeed impressive if a little warm in the tropics, which let’s face it, is only a hop, skip and great circling jump away from Lincolnshire’s rapids. Nevertheless, the trifling little matter of your, shall we say, rusty navigational skills might come into question so you will require the Witches homemade sextant. It might look like a sea biscuit to some but to the trained eye every rolled oat will represent the major land masses and the odd archipelago. We see no reason why a gougere held up to the horizon should not be sufficient to calculate ones position … the purists in the Coven seem to think you’ll need charts and things, still, we’ll not let the facts get in the way of your imminent promotion and likely knighthood.
WoE
Rod said,
April 25, 2007 @ 7:02 pm
WoE
I am pleased you are impressed with my ceremonial uniform. Rest easy on the tropical climate though, being an English gentleman I will be cool and not break sweat
I am not too worried about the navigational side of things, there is a passage (groan) in my Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn Iggulden on how to navigate using the stars.
I would, of course, covet a sextant but I was recently advised by an expert in this field that it is possible to navigate using only one’s finger !
I may adopt this approach.
I only hope he didn’t mean he used his finger to switch the ship’s GPS on
Re gougere, please start baking baskets of it now as I shall need plenty if I am to be at sea for a while.
As to finally being recognised in the new year’s honours list, this could be a better route. I don’t see me getting an OBE for services to search engine spam and hot chicks do you
This is definately the way to go - First Sea Lord sounds about right
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum !
Rod
Jordan said,
April 26, 2007 @ 1:59 pm
Hi all, i am back again!
Slow down, for the little prickly fellas too, you move faster than they do! There is no need for so many deaths!!!
Regards
Jordan
Rod said,
April 26, 2007 @ 2:12 pm
Jordan
Welcome Back !
Hopefully for good
Slow down, for the little prickly fellas too
Absolutely ! - to all out there: keep your eyes open whilst driving, as the best car sticker in the history of the world ever said - Don’t Squash Me.
Regards
Rod
A Retired Bookdealer said,
April 26, 2007 @ 5:32 pm
Hello Jordan ,
Nice to see you back , you have been missed .
Welcome Back ! ,
from
ARB .
Little Brother said,
April 26, 2007 @ 10:58 pm
Ah Jordan!
Just when I thought I’d been let off the hook with the male bashing! You are quite right about the old hogs, my newly weeded and feeded lawn is now awash with their excrement. Still, if they eat all the slugs that have munched my latest seedlings they shall be forgiven..
Welcome back-I’ll start moaning about customers again!!
LB
Jordan said,
April 27, 2007 @ 9:43 am
Hi All.
Glad to see that i have been missed.
I, with the wonderful WoE do like to bring a womans side to this site, male domination is too much on the increase, especially on this site!
A little culture and a womans touch is always needed, as much as you men say it isn’t!
I myself encountered a deer not too long ago, i don’t know who was more suprised. But with a carefull woman driving we both reached our destinations unharmed.
Regards
Jordan
Witches of Eastwick said,
April 27, 2007 @ 11:50 am
Jordan,
Just in time to see our host, the Russel Crowe lookalike, Capt. Collins complete with learner plates, take to the open seas via the Horncastle canal in Dino’s tin bath … less of a bathing accessory, more of a Nemo’s underwater palace so we’re told. Wearing his latest uniform and blow up arm bands, he’s going to look hot stuff and we anticipate crowds of unruly women lining the banks for such a spectacle (they don’t get out much). As a surprise for him we’ve sawn out the bottom of his vessel and incorporated a viewing window (looking suspiciously like a Germanic car windscreen!) so he can monitor the coral reefs in Lincolnshire’s balmy waters.
As we’ve said to him before, if a woman can sail around the globe single handed then we see no reason why a man from Wybers Wood has a hope in hell !
Batten down the hatches, we be in for stormy weather …
WoE